Warning: This post is different than my usual posts. It is going to be raw and honest, so if you only read this blog for my usual peppy reports of activities, go ahead and hit the back button. I recently started reading the blog of an old friend from high school. It totally captured my attention with it's authenticity and bold reports of both good and tough things that happen in our daily lives. As a person who continually strives to be open and real in all aspects of my life, reading her blog made me realize how candy coated I have made my own report of life. It seems a little unfair to all of you who take the time to read this. You should get the real story - the good with the bad. So here goes. . .hang tight.
It's hard to know how to start something like this. I guess the truth is the best place. So it looks like I can't have another child. After two years of trying, and seven months of some fairly intense (an unsuccessful) fertility treatments I have officially just given up. It has been too much for me to handle with all of the day counting and ultrasounds and blood tests and waiting and waiting and waiting. It has made me more impatient than ever before. I'm so tired just from all of the waiting. I have been surprised at things people have said to me, but I have been most surprised at the things I have said to myself. It brings out a lot of emotional stuff around self image and self worth. It's hard to learn lessons about not being in control and giving up plans around a timetable that I have established for many brilliant reasons. It's hard to learn that I should not look at and covet the gifts that have been given to others and to learn to genuinely be happy for them (ALL of them) even when I want to slide down the back of the door in tears. Trust me, after the 10th call reporting a new baby on the way for a close friend, it was a trip down the door for me.
But even in all of this, there have still been so many evidences of God's goodness, His graciousness towards me, His mercy, and His faithfulness. There is rest for me in knowing that His plans are better than mine, even when I don't understand them. There is peace in knowing that while I may not receive the gift of another child, I have been given so many other gifts that there is still abundant joy in my life - in the form of my husband and daughter, in the close network of friends who have held me up in so much prayer that their knees must be bruised, and even in the laughter that I regularly find with my co-workers throughout the day. Lately, each morning on the way to work the sunrise has been so beautiful that I can only cry "Your mercies are new every morning!" He paints a beautiful picture just to remind me of His love.
This song "Whatever You're Doing" really hit home for me. Here are the lyrics:
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly.
Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out.
Sorry it has been so long since my last post. It took me a while to decide whether to put this out there or not. I'm going apple picking this weekend, so if you trudged through this post wishing I would just stick to the lighter fare you won't have to wait too long. Because candy coated apples are the best apples of all.
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9 comments:
Oh Stacy! I'm crying for you. This was painful because I hurt for you. But then the post turned hopeful and joyful without being ingenuine, you write so beautifully and I just love you to bits. I don't want to diminish your pain and I'm glad you're not trying to wash over it with "oh, God has his perfect plan" and avoiding your true feelings. I think that feeling your pain so deeply lets you feel true hope and true joy. You're brave and I love you so much. xoxo stephy
I'm so sorry, Stacy. Thank you for your honesty and putting this out there. We will be praying for you guys as your wrestle with your grief and disappointment.
P.S. This is Marissa . . . I always forget to put my name!
I loved reading this post, Stacy! How I miss you! God is good, and He will continue to bless you through this situation. Just know you have a friend in Ohio that has already gone to the Father in your behalf. Much love!
Your pain is my pain...I love you so much...just as if you were my very own!!!
Psalms 30:5 "Joy comes in the Morning"...whether it be today, tomorrow or next year.
Pouring out your heart certainly helps lift a weight...I've been there and done that...so I can identify with pain...not your specific pain, but the pain that comes with disappointment.
I love you, Stacy!
Diane
Stacy, I don't know what to say except that I am so glad to know what has been going on so that I can pray for you better. I'm glad that you are leaning on the Lord for your strength. One of the things that I learned in this past year is that He is the only place to lean. Love you lots and we need to plan to get together soon.
As you breath and let everything out raise your head and be very proud of yourself, your self image and self worth may have never been greater. Except for the day you spoke at your mothers funeral; that day you were EXCEPTIONAL.
I am so very proud of you and I know how you are hurting, Remember you were an only child and look how GREAT you turned out. You have such a wonderful faith and family, and I know that too comes from your MOM who is looking down on you and helping you through this.
I too made the drive each day into the sunrise when I had to drive from Searcy to Marion each day, it gave me time to see Gods Great works and to realize how his plan is what we must follow and rely on. Sometimes I prayed the entire 80 miles.
Take Joy in your life, Live Each day to its fullest and continue to be Happy that God Has Blessed You in so many ways. You are a wonderful daughter to me, Mother to Natalie, and wife to Jamie; God has Blessed You and His Plan is sometimes hard to understand but it's all what we must follow. I Love You So Much and I am So Proud of You. POPI
i have been wondering for months how this has been going for you. thanks for updating and sharing yourself. am so ready to see you again. wish i could hug you now. if you ever want to share more i can listen on this subject for ever. love you, mk
I'm so sorry. I know I should be a better sister and call you more often. Mom had been filling me in, but what do you say to someone who is going through so much hurt. Except that I love you dearly and I pray God's best for you daily. We really should keep in touch more often!
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